Every great sports movie sticks to a formula that delivers a happy ending and an uplifting moral.
Here's the formula:
1. MARCH TO VICTORY
A box turtle crosses my path, as I finish the walking loop at the park. The park is bordered by city streets on three sides. On the fourth, a wire fence butts up against the blacktop path, keeping savage gangs of deer and turkeys at bay. On the other side of the fence, a hill juts skyward. Turtle plods toward the fence and the wilderness beyond. One awkward wobbly step after another. Achieves the goal. Makes it to the fence.
2. FAILURE
Turtle is too big to squeeze through the diamond-shaped openings in the mesh. It pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps against the wire. Backs up, lumbers down the fence line for two inches. Tries again. Same result.
This is a disaster. Turtle could get eaten. It needs to get up that hill. I kick at the dirt, to dig a trench under the fence. But my footwork can’t get far enough underneath.
Turtle pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps against the wire. Backs up, lumbers down the fence line for two inches.
It’s so cute, so helpless. I could carry it to—. Yeah, right. No way that’s happening.
Turtle pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps against the wire. Backs up, lumbers down the fence line for two inches.
Along comes an old hippie—white-bearded, white-pony tailed. I put on my best damsel in distress voice. “This poor little turtle is trapped.”
The hippie studies the situation. “Yeah.”
I can tell he’s going to save the day.
He strokes his beard. “And if you touch ‘em, you get Salmonella.”
Turtle pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps against the wire. Backs up, lumbers down the fence line for two inches.
3. BIG PLAY OF THE GAME
The hippie moseys on and then yells back at me. “Hey, it’s broken here. He can get through.”
Turtle pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps against the wire. Backs up, lumbers down the fence line for two inches …. Inch by inch, it closes in on the broken section.
I punch the air. Go, Turtle! You’re gonna make it. You’re gonna get up that hill.
Turtle reaches the break. Proceeds to trudge through. Finally, it can return to the safety of the hillside.
I hop around in a victory dance. “Yay! You did it. You did it.”
4. SLOW MOTION SHOT
After I finish dancing, Turtle is only halfway under the fence. It could not possibly go any slower.
Turtle comes to a full stop.
Is it posing? Is it dead? I hold my breath.
5. BIG FINISH
Turtle plods through the fence break.
6. WILD CELEBRATION
But immediately encounters a heap of mowed dried grass. It pokes its head into the grass, pushes with one foot, gains an inch, repeats. To get up the hill and back to wherever it came from, Turtle is going through the pile instead of around it.
Rather than witness this torturous tunneling, I take a second lap around the park, and twenty minutes later arrive back at the broken fence section. There is no turtle climbing the hill. Oh no, a racoon ate it. I squat, to examine the scene more carefully.
Deep inside the heap of grass, Turtle is sealed up in its shell, safe at home.
7. THE MORAL
Always ask a turtle what it wants to accomplish, before you freak out about helping it.
Here's the formula:
1. MARCH TO VICTORY
A box turtle crosses my path, as I finish the walking loop at the park. The park is bordered by city streets on three sides. On the fourth, a wire fence butts up against the blacktop path, keeping savage gangs of deer and turkeys at bay. On the other side of the fence, a hill juts skyward. Turtle plods toward the fence and the wilderness beyond. One awkward wobbly step after another. Achieves the goal. Makes it to the fence.
2. FAILURE
Turtle is too big to squeeze through the diamond-shaped openings in the mesh. It pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps against the wire. Backs up, lumbers down the fence line for two inches. Tries again. Same result.
This is a disaster. Turtle could get eaten. It needs to get up that hill. I kick at the dirt, to dig a trench under the fence. But my footwork can’t get far enough underneath.
Turtle pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps against the wire. Backs up, lumbers down the fence line for two inches.
It’s so cute, so helpless. I could carry it to—. Yeah, right. No way that’s happening.
Turtle pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps against the wire. Backs up, lumbers down the fence line for two inches.
Along comes an old hippie—white-bearded, white-pony tailed. I put on my best damsel in distress voice. “This poor little turtle is trapped.”
The hippie studies the situation. “Yeah.”
I can tell he’s going to save the day.
He strokes his beard. “And if you touch ‘em, you get Salmonella.”
Turtle pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps against the wire. Backs up, lumbers down the fence line for two inches.
3. BIG PLAY OF THE GAME
The hippie moseys on and then yells back at me. “Hey, it’s broken here. He can get through.”
Turtle pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps against the wire. Backs up, lumbers down the fence line for two inches …. Inch by inch, it closes in on the broken section.
I punch the air. Go, Turtle! You’re gonna make it. You’re gonna get up that hill.
Turtle reaches the break. Proceeds to trudge through. Finally, it can return to the safety of the hillside.
I hop around in a victory dance. “Yay! You did it. You did it.”
4. SLOW MOTION SHOT
After I finish dancing, Turtle is only halfway under the fence. It could not possibly go any slower.
Turtle comes to a full stop.
Is it posing? Is it dead? I hold my breath.
5. BIG FINISH
Turtle plods through the fence break.
6. WILD CELEBRATION
But immediately encounters a heap of mowed dried grass. It pokes its head into the grass, pushes with one foot, gains an inch, repeats. To get up the hill and back to wherever it came from, Turtle is going through the pile instead of around it.
Rather than witness this torturous tunneling, I take a second lap around the park, and twenty minutes later arrive back at the broken fence section. There is no turtle climbing the hill. Oh no, a racoon ate it. I squat, to examine the scene more carefully.
Deep inside the heap of grass, Turtle is sealed up in its shell, safe at home.
7. THE MORAL
Always ask a turtle what it wants to accomplish, before you freak out about helping it.
RSS Feed