Take your sleeping pill. Caution: you must remain in the bedroom after this step. Remember the time your husband found you in the living room doing yoga at midnight? Exactly.
Brush your teeth. Wash your face. Wrap a scarf around your locks, so they don’t go up your husband’s nose and suffocate him in his sleep.
Take off your hi-tech sporty foot massaging day socks. All that elastic around the arches will strangle your feet. Change into toe socks for bed. Each toe gets it’s own separate sleeping bag, and there’s no fighting.
Line up your slippers by the bed, with your day socks folded on top.
Lie on your back.
Poke the covers upward to make a tent over your feet. Your toes are claustrophobic. Smooth out the wrinkle in the bottom sheet that’s digging into your back.
Align the edges of the top sheet with the edges of the comforter. Lay the top edges across your collarbone. Do not tuck them under your chin. Your neck is claustrophobic.
Make your body parallel to the edge of the mattress.
Smooth out the wrinkle in your tank top. Lay your arms alongside your body, under the covers.
Stick your right foot out from under the covers, and dangle it over the edge of the bed. Maneuver slowly, lest the tent collapse onto your left toes.
The tent collapsed, didn’t it?
Punch enthusiastically upward with your left foot to re-form the tent.
Calculate the number of minutes until the sleeping pill takes effect.
Flatten out the dreadlocks bundle inside your scarf, allowing your head to make contact with the pillow. Adjust the scarf to cover your ears.
Smooth out the wrinkle in the bottom sheet that’s digging into your right shoulder.
Put your arms back under the covers. Turn your palms down.
Wiggle your head until the pillow indentation conforms to the shape of your skull.
Turn your palms up.
Shift your left leg a titch to the left.
Turn your palms sideways.
Calculate the number of minutes until the sleeping pill takes effect.
Warning. Hot flash. Snatch the covers down to your waist. Bend your right leg so your knee is angled out, getting fresh air. Bend your left arm so your left hand is beside your left ear. Turn your head three quarters to the left.
Red Alert. Ventilate. Ventilate. Kick the covers off right leg. Snowplow your left leg on top of husband’s ankles. Flop left arm on top of husband’s head.
Warning: Evaporation. Snap legs together. Pull the covers up. Arms inside. Hands on top of your thighs. Punch vigorously upward with your left foot, reforming the tent. Re-dangle right foot.
Smooth out the wrinkles in your tank top.
Turn on right side. Curl into fetal position. Tuck covers under knees and chin. Scoot backwards. Move your head onto your husband’s pillow.
Calculate the number of minutes left until your sleeping pill takes—.
Brush your teeth. Wash your face. Wrap a scarf around your locks, so they don’t go up your husband’s nose and suffocate him in his sleep.
Take off your hi-tech sporty foot massaging day socks. All that elastic around the arches will strangle your feet. Change into toe socks for bed. Each toe gets it’s own separate sleeping bag, and there’s no fighting.
Line up your slippers by the bed, with your day socks folded on top.
Lie on your back.
Poke the covers upward to make a tent over your feet. Your toes are claustrophobic. Smooth out the wrinkle in the bottom sheet that’s digging into your back.
Align the edges of the top sheet with the edges of the comforter. Lay the top edges across your collarbone. Do not tuck them under your chin. Your neck is claustrophobic.
Make your body parallel to the edge of the mattress.
Smooth out the wrinkle in your tank top. Lay your arms alongside your body, under the covers.
Stick your right foot out from under the covers, and dangle it over the edge of the bed. Maneuver slowly, lest the tent collapse onto your left toes.
The tent collapsed, didn’t it?
Punch enthusiastically upward with your left foot to re-form the tent.
Calculate the number of minutes until the sleeping pill takes effect.
Flatten out the dreadlocks bundle inside your scarf, allowing your head to make contact with the pillow. Adjust the scarf to cover your ears.
Smooth out the wrinkle in the bottom sheet that’s digging into your right shoulder.
Put your arms back under the covers. Turn your palms down.
Wiggle your head until the pillow indentation conforms to the shape of your skull.
Turn your palms up.
Shift your left leg a titch to the left.
Turn your palms sideways.
Calculate the number of minutes until the sleeping pill takes effect.
Warning. Hot flash. Snatch the covers down to your waist. Bend your right leg so your knee is angled out, getting fresh air. Bend your left arm so your left hand is beside your left ear. Turn your head three quarters to the left.
Red Alert. Ventilate. Ventilate. Kick the covers off right leg. Snowplow your left leg on top of husband’s ankles. Flop left arm on top of husband’s head.
Warning: Evaporation. Snap legs together. Pull the covers up. Arms inside. Hands on top of your thighs. Punch vigorously upward with your left foot, reforming the tent. Re-dangle right foot.
Smooth out the wrinkles in your tank top.
Turn on right side. Curl into fetal position. Tuck covers under knees and chin. Scoot backwards. Move your head onto your husband’s pillow.
Calculate the number of minutes left until your sleeping pill takes—.
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